Timeless healing

They say time heals all wounds. Well you know what, I’m getting a little bit impatient waiting for this to happen. Actually a lot impatient. To be honest I’m sick to death of waiting.

I’ve had a week of virtually no sleep and everything is getting on top of me. I’m even hitting a point where I’m losing motivation for my running which is massive. I’ve spent the last 9 months with an unwavering motivation to run and train and smash this half marathon goal. I’m 5 weeks away from the race and I’m quickly losing all focus and determination. My body isn’t recovering and healing like it should be, because I’m not sleeping.

One of the more important aspects of training is getting enough rest to give your body time to recover and this isn’t happening so my body is in constant agony. I’m sore from head to toe. My eyes feel like they have needles in them. My brain has a fog over it and I’m not thinking clearly. I even put toothpaste on my daughter’s chest instead of Vick’s vapour rub a few days ago.

All because I’m laying here wide awake with thoughts of when will this all be over? When will the pain go away? When will I heal? When will a day pass where I don’t think about the what if’s? When will I stop feeling so lonely? When will the grief go away? When will I be able to look at my daughter and not feel guilty that she will grow up never remembering her parents together? When will I stop feeling like I was never good enough? When will I stop analysing everything tiny little thing I said and did and wondering how I could have done it differently? When? When? WHEN!?!?!?!?

I feel like I’ve stepped up big time during this journey. I’ve seen a therapist. I’ve followed her recommendations. I’ve done the hard work and walked into the pain rather than walking away and pretending I’m fine. I never stop processing my thoughts and feelings and doing the work to heal them. I’ve done the hard yards and faced everything that I’ve bottled up my whole life. I’ve opened up and been completely vulnerable.

Yet still I’m here feeling like shit. I’m still hurting. I’m still grieving. And I’m fucking over it.

I’ve hit a point where I’m just thinking fuck it why don’t I just go back to pushing my emotions down. Pretending that everything is fine. Pretending I’m ok and that losing my little family isn’t a big deal. Pretending I’ve moved on and I’m happy. Bury my head in the sand and not deal with any feelings or emotions that come up?

It would be so much easier. I could “heal” myself in an instant if I just pretend I don’t care and that it doesn’t affect me.

I’m sick of feeling so deeply. I’m sick of caring so much. I’m sick of the roller coaster. I’m sick of the heartbreak. I’m sick of the battle.

I’m totally and utterly done. I’ve given it my all. I’ve thrown myself into this journey with reckless abandon to finally face my demons and heal properly.

But I’m exhausted.

I’ve got nothing left to give.

I’m completely and irrecoverably done.

Time is taking too long.

I think I’ve been waiting for that aha moment where you all of a sudden you feel human again. Where everything finally clicks into place and all the hard work pays off. Maybe there is no such moment after so much heart ache in such a short space of time. Maybe little by little wounds heal and it gets easier. Maybe the pain never goes away.

I don’t know anymore. All I know right now in this moment is that I’ve literally got nothing left to give.

My journey has broken me.

33 thoughts on “Timeless healing

  1. Don’t worry I’ll continue fighting for those who cannot any longer.

    I’m a late bloomer so I have 30 years of built up wrath to fuel from in which case I only used up 3 years worth of fuel supplies so far with 27 left to go before I get it all out of me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re stronger than your pain!! Don’t forget that. Whatever “this is”… It’s toxic and it’s winning. You are beautiful. You are alive. You are worthy of success, good fortune, peace of mind, and a happy life. This insanity circle of not sleeping, losing yourself in the stress, it’s not you.. The pain will stop when you decide that you’ve had enough. Decide to grow. Decide to learn. Decide to change so past mistakes don’t repeat. You got this girl… Put your mental health first… Do the positive necessary steps to feel like the unstoppable champion that you are.. And your physical health will improve.

    Liked by 5 people

  3. So sorry you are dealing with all that you are. My recovery from all my losses did not come all at once. I had to do a lot
    Of self care. I personally don’t think that the hurting ever goes away and that you will experience peaks and valleys. I hope you find some joy today in the midst of all the hurt you are experiencing. I had to go after my dreams even with having these chronic illnesses and had to find the new way of being. My hope
    Is that you find it too and know that some days will be harder than others. 💚☀️💚.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you. The peaks and valleys are what I struggle with. Being ok one minute and a wreck the next. It makes me feel unbalanced and out of control. But I know it’s part of the process.
      Thanks for your message

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Stay strong…we are all in this life together…reach out to others when those valleys hit. That is what I have done and it has helped tremendously. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes Jess. Life isn’t a straight line going up. It is cyclic and falling down is a must for our growth. But yes, when we are going through it – it isn’t easy.
        Today is the first day of rest of your life

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Jess, I, too, was once broken. Life’s ups and downs can do this to us. After my then husband abandoned me and our two sons in Brazil, time healed my wounds when I was ready to forgive him (that doesn’t mean that you forget the who, what, and when). Forgiving my aggressor dispelled the anger I was carrying and brought an inner peace. We have to forgive ourselves, too, and accept ourselves with all of our weaknesses and failures. We just have to take a look at our world to realize that we humans are a seriously flawed species!

    Liked by 4 people

      1. I really recommend Marianne Williamsons book From Tears to Triumph. She talks about forgiveness and how its not about surrendering boundaries. You forgive for you but that said its a natural process that has to be worked through and may require a lot of grappling with anger a long the way. I love a quote by Alice MIller that says true forgiveness does not bypass anger but confronts it head on.

        Liked by 3 people

  5. You are using a lot of negative affirmations against yourself just re-read what you have written. You are trying to out put positive yet you affirm it with negatives. The negative affirmations create an imbalance in your life the energy is stronger than the positive. Think carefully how you talk about yourself. We all have times of sleeplessness and more so when you fuel it with negative affirmations. Try drinking Chamomile Tea to relax. Forgive yourself for the things in your life that are out of your control and release them, let go. Tell yourself you no longer need to hear these words.

    Liked by 4 people

      1. Jess you are doing extremely well, I like the way you are able to self-analysis this is a rare ability and helps you to understand yourself more. When you are trying to heal your pain do smaller or less in number of issues you have as this easier to control and release. If you are trying to heal many this pushes your focus in many directions. Deal with the ones which are easiest first and perhaps look at small parts of the most painful one and chip off bits to make it less painful. Often Therapists go for the most painful issue and this is wrong, and why working with your soul is so important because your soul and the Divine know when you are ready to face and release the most painful areas of your life. I know becuase I have revisited many painful issues a few times to look at different aspects of them before acceptance and letting go or releasing them. Take care

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Embrace it hun. The surrender and deep movement happens when you love on it all. When you hug it like an old friend rather than push it away. When you choose to want to see all it is telling you. To push past the self sabotage.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. You need to surrender to your healing. This isn’t about a heroic quest where we overcome pain… You have to embrace it and its hard because it will on one level transform you. I think you are being way to hard on yourself. Its the old cultural conditioning that is squashing you that tells you you get over everything one day. its not true you get through it there is a difference. Don’t beat yourself up. just surrender to your soul xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I agree. I just feel like I’ve been going through this for 6 months now. My ex moved on straight away and tells me how happy she is. I sit here wondering why I’m not in the same place.
      And I also question how little I meant to her if she can move on so quickly after we spent 6 years together.
      Thank you for your advice ☺️

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Night my dear is darkest and coldest before the dawn. You are just about there. Get up and get going. You shall be in my prayers 🙏
    And as far as time heals : do read my recent blog – Time Heals Nothing

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Even if I could find the words to say, I know words don’t always help. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing such raw emotions. Big hugs to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Over the past 2 years or so, I’ve personally had some high highs and low lows. I’ve come to accept some losses will always leave a little hole, but the good news is there’s always going to be another opportunity to fill up a bigger hole. I hope you will find that your most difficult times can also be the most defining of your resilience to overcome and press forward. I also hope you find the strength to complete your marathon. It may sound odd, but I find it so helpful to start to notice the little things (that first sip of warm coffee, flowers blooming, the sound of my dog walking around on hardwood.) As bleak as it may feel, I promise It gets better and the sun will rise tomorrow!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I am where you are and it does seem like the drowning to get it over with would be so much sweeter, but as long as someone is calling you “mommy” you cannot give up. I will be praying for you and appreciating the community we have here where we can share and not be so alone. Thank you for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Jess, life has and will always have its challenges. I know I’ve had my share of sadness and loneliness but I fought back because I wanted to be in control of my happiness. I feel I’ve won the battle and you can too. Thank you for following ThusNSuch.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Wow. I hope your sleep has improved and your race went well. I feel for you. Sometimes we do feel broken by the hurt. But you are ao mich more than what happens to you. You sound like a very caring, insightful and intelligent person. Keep believing in yourself and i promise you the light will return and life will again have color and joy. Thanks for your beautifully honest post.

    Liked by 1 person

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